Split

Split between the feeling of almost indecent happiness I’m experiencing in my privileged little bubble by the beach, and the feeling of distress arising from observing the suffering of so many people in the world…

Split between the feeling of invincibility that I want to believe our relative youth and healthy lifestyle give my immediate family, and the feeling of deep anxiety that any of my loved ones become one of these unlucky statistics…

Split between the call to do nothing and withdraw to a monastic-type life while this crisis passes, and the call to frantically hang on to a semblance of reality and do anything possible to retain my current business and sustain living at my usual (high) ‘activity level’.

Split between my gratefulness at having more time to live at a slower pace, to enjoy the gift of the presence of my teenagers at home at a time they are only thinking of going out to live their lives, and the guilt of not worrying enough about work and about other people’s pain.

Split between a desire to stay safe and retreat to the comfort of our immediate family’s ecosystem, and a desire to support the most vulnerable.

Split between the feeling of respect and awe for what we are doing as a society all over the world to protect our most vulnerable in a true honouring of our Judaeo-Christian principles, and the questioning of our approach... 

As I write, almost 50,000 people have died of Covid-19 throughout the world since January. It is terrible... 

Yet, 21,000 people die of hunger or malnutrition every day in the world… I don’t see anybody rushing to solve that problem. Why does this situation seem more ‘acceptable’ to us? Because it’s far away? Because these people are not part of our electorate? I can notice a feeling of anger rising in me...

Numbers are abstractions, and take away the humane emotion of someone dying in front of you. That’s one of the main challenges we experience with the presence of Covid-19 in our lives. People die in front of you, and of atrocious deaths as they progressively struggle to breathe. The high contagion rate is also scary. Still, there’s something that feels hypocritical in our collective response. Because it concerns us directly, because it is “in our face”, we feel compelled to act… My rational self struggles with that… Hard to explain this to my questioning teenagers, as well…

Now, if I talk from the perspective of my new age/spiritual ‘self, I welcome this global disruption as a potential way to ‘reset’ some of our paradigms, and hopefully become a more conscious society. I am hoping this might ‘nudge’ our society to greater consciousness, to more ‘meaning’. I also relish the thought of new parents getting to enjoy their little ones, as opposed to being caught up at work. I love seeing families taking walks together by the beach, people running and getting fitter. I can’t wait to see what will emerge from this chaos, what will change, what will remain, how will we evolve as a society?

But this is the position of a privileged middle-class individual, living in a privileged area. The reality for the majority of the population is different. How many people will kill themselves over the despair of their current situations? How many women and children will suffer from an increase in domestic violence, resulting from the self-isolating guidelines? Sure, governments around the world are voting for stimulus packages (on that note, I didn’t know money was that easy to make, this just feels surreal!) and Australia is actually doing a great job at keeping mental health and domestic violence on its radar, but still - we all know there are dramas in the making… How many will there be? Will we ever know the long-term ‘side-effects’ of the measures we’re putting in place at present? Of the cost of stopping the economic activity so radically all around the world?

And what about poor countries where the concept of self-isolation is just not possible? We can already feel the tension rising in India. I dread the day when the next bulletin shares news of the massacre that has just occurred there, or in any other poor country…

I would like to know that somewhere in the world, some experts, have done the maths and analysis to predict the impact of the cure. Not today’s impact, but the one in the next five, or possibly 10, years… I know, it’s probably impossible to model. It’s too complex. 

I would also like to know that our leaders around the world are collaborating, and thinking together about how to tackle this complex problem at a global level, not just in their own countries. Complex problems require collective intelligence. Somehow, I don’t think this is happening… 

This pandemic is highlighting our relationship with death as a society. We don’t want to hear about it. We’re in denial about it. I wonder how we would react to the situation if, as a society, we had a different relationship to death, if we accepted it is a part of life… But this is an impossible argument to voice without being accused of lacking compassion, or of being a Darwinist... My own inner-critic is frowning at me for daring to write such words… That ‘rational’ position is impossible to hold anyway. The moment we project this fear of dying from the virus onto ourselves or our loved ones, we retract into a more ‘conformist’ position. And let’s be clear, the thought of dying, or having any of my loved ones die, is as terrifying tofor me as it is for anyone else and I would do anything I can to prevent it… Nonetheless, I can’t not see the other side of the argument… Another one of these paradoxes…

It seems to me that the debate around euthanasia is going to have to be reopened too. Most countries in ‘normal’ times are refusing this last right to people in pain, yet in crisis times, like in Italy at the moment, when you have to choose who to save, health staff are the ones having to make the hard decisions... I was very touched to hear one of my older friends making the necessary arrangements to let people know that it was ok to nominate her as someone to go without if there weren’t enough ventilators to save everybody. “I’ve had a good life already” she said… There’s a part of me that would have liked someone somewhere in the world to raise that question, to open up the debate, to ask people how they wanted this crisis to be managed…

I know it’s idealistic. There’s too much global peer pressure to make any tough or contentious decisions, other than those our neighbours have already made. We can’t be the one government offering a different approach, a different public conversation. It’s not a good campaign argument… In times of crisis, the traditionally ‘good’ leadership approach is to reassure people, to give a sense of certainty in uncertain times. 

This situation is unique and complex. I’m not blaming politicians for reacting the way they have. When in chaos, we need to act. I just hope when this is over we will look back and make an honest analysis about the consequences of our actions, and have an open conversation about how we want this type of situation to be handled when the next pandemic occurs. Because, there’s no doubt, this will happen again!

After seeing what we can do as a society, I’m also hoping some other topics will get the same global attention and passion to be resolved, maybe climate change? Malnutrition?...

Stay home, stay safe, and stay sane!